I quite possibly just had one of the best online conversations of my life thus far. That’s such a 21st century thing to say, isn’t it? In all honesty though, it had me giggling with delight throughout the entire three hour duration of it. Sure, I’ve had longer, deeper, far more intense conversations. But this one was significant in that it marked a change. A subtle change, but an important one nonetheless. Contrary to popular belief, you can become closer friends with a person even if you live hundreds of miles away from them. One thing is for certain, however.  I was just part of the most important inside joke of my life. That is quite definite.

On another note, here are more Josh snippets. Parts of this historic conversation that I find amusing. Probably only amusing to Josh and myself, but hey, for the sake of posterity:

PART 1

Josh: I sound like an ass.

Cathy: You’re too sweet to sound like an ass! Trust me, I’ve met my fair share of asses……Taken out of context, that could sound wrong.

Josh: …….*blush*

PART 2

Josh: Gah…Need to slay those assholes with my spear of awesome. Then again, I’m too nice to do that.

Cathy: Oh god. I think we need to find a new adjective to describe a “jerk”. Because asshole is just hurting my brain. Mind….in….the….gutter….

Just when I thought the world was through with granting me perfect moments, it went and granted me another one.

On the other hand, I’m still struggling with everything at the present moment. Struggling with confusion, indecision, misplaced rage, apathy, loneliness, laziness, etc. Who knew life could prove to be this challenging?

Well, that could entail playing several rounds of hide and go seek in a small triple room with three girls. Just maybe. Some of the more memorable hiding places:

• Daisy, in her closet, covered with clothes
• Daisy, in her closet again, sitting on the shelf
• Heidi, behind Daisy’s closet
• Heidi and Daisy lined up awkwardly behind my desk
• Me, behind the door with a blanket over my head
• Daisy, half in a drawer, half covered with a blanket
• Heidi, in the corner behind her desk, with her pants off so that the noticeable whale pattern on her pj’s does not draw my attention

By the end of this 45 minute adventure, we named our favorite hiding spots. Mine won. That is, me, curled upon the top of Heidi’s/my dresser, with a blanket thrown over me. Hiding in plain sight seems to work, until you burst out into laughter, that is.

Besides a Logic exam and studying at the library for hours, today was actually a rather enjoyable day:

• At one point during the day, Daisy and I were bored and randomly tacked a string of lights up in the hallway. We shaped it into a heart and when we ran out of pushpins, used safety pins to pin it up.
• I got my care package from Emily, which included hilariously shameless Avon advertising.
• IT RAINED!
• At dinner, Heidi, Laura, Sasha and I created a modern art masterpiece from squash, cherries and steak and gave an entire philosophical dissertation on it.
• Later, Heidi and I cracked open a tube of passion fruit flavored lube (gross) and proceeded to have “hand sex”. Good times.

And apparently our neighbors think we’re too loud. O.o

People, people, people. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to deal with people.

College – and I suppose life in general – has taught me to accept what I am given, and to make the best out of it. The past has happened and the future will happen, and it is happening even as I type this. The present is now the past and the present and the future all at once. The passing of time is an illusion, and happiness occurs when you allow it to occur. People often say, “I will be happy when…”, or, “I can’t wait until…”. I am no different, after all it is only human to hope the best for the future. However many of us haven’t realized that getting into your favorite college or owning an expensive car will do very little for your happiness. We seem to believe that one day sudden happiness and fulfillment will be handed to us on a silver platter, and we will then live happily ever after. This belief is why people live and die unhappily. Fulfillment doesn’t happen at a fixed time, it happens when you actively allow yourself to be fulfilled. It happens every day. It happens when you accept every complex aspect of your life and you find your peace with it. Happiness stems from simplicity and flourishes when surrounded by optimism and hope. To be truly happy, you must sacrifice some of your better judgement. You must teach yourself to be forgiving and forgetful and optimistic and hopeful, with a realistic streak of course. It seems like a difficult balance, but when you find that balance, every single day seems significant.

So I now actively make my days worthwhile in a way that makes sense to me. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to do something grand and magnificent every day, but it means that I am teaching myself to be more grateful for everything that I have. I’ve spent far too much time being ungrateful for my lot in life, but I’ve realized that I have so much to be thankful for, and so many people to rely on. I’m letting the bad ones go, and letting the good ones in. I’m loving more openly these days, and retracting my love from those whom it means nothing to. Does this mean I’m getting more self-confident? Perhaps. I sure hope so. I still struggle from the fear of trying to fit in and be accepted by my peers, but am far less affected when I am not accepted. After all, would I really want to be close to someone who is so quick to judge by superficial impressions?

So, college. College is far different than I would have expected. FAR different. I believed circumstances would be different than what they are now, but ultimately, I’m thankful for how it is all beginning to unfold. With no expectations, you can’t be disappointed. With an open mind to the possibilities and a strong sense of self, you can’t feel smothered or pressured. I’m still learning how to relax more, but I sure as hell know how to have fun without compromising my morals. And that’s all that really matters in my subjective universe. I’m beginning to learn who to spend more time with and who to avoid, and I’m focusing on enjoying each day within reason. I’ve learned from my past, and from time to time, it is a comfortable reality to return to, but to ruminate and yearn for it is unnecessary. I’m no longer relying on my future to bring me happiness, but I am still planning for how I will survive in it. Overall, I’m finally figuring this shit out.

Today, I began reading “Steppenwolf” by Herman Hesse. Needless to say, I’m only on page 9 and yet am already impressed.

“…the Steppenwolf’s look pierced our whole epoch, its whole overwrought activity, the whole surge and strife, the whole vanity, the whole superficial play of a shallow, opinionated intellectuality. And alas! the look went still deeper, went far below the faults, defects and hopelessness of our time, our intellect, our culture alone. It went right to the heart of all humanity, it bespoke eloquently in a single second the whole despair of a thinker, of one who knew the full worth and meaning of man’s life. It said: “See what monkeys we are! Look, such is man!” and at once all renown, all intelligence, all the attainments of the spirit, all progress towards the sublime, the great and the enduring in man fell away and became a monkey’s trick!”

And I realize that I have been quoting things more often than not as of late. I suppose this is because I feel the need to share what I deem beautiful or significant or important. Besides, what I consider to be important is just as revealing of my personality as my own writing is. My subjective approach found this paragraph to be wonderful, because I can empathize and sympathize with Steppenwolf’s perspective.

And the writing is just simply beautiful as well.

Guitar/Piano jam sessions. Juggling. Cuddling. Nostalgia. Long discussions. Cash boxes. Shadow creatures on the ceiling. Leopard pants. Clouds. Bat times on the balcony. Science demonstrations. Awful magic tricks. Reeses. Octopuses. Carbon arc lamps. And awkwardly overhearing the loud morning fucking and squeaky bedsprings from the neighbors upstairs.

Cue contented growling.

I think this may be the start of a very beautiful friendship.

I need something to love and to cuddle. Please send me this kitten.

And this one too.